2003-03-06 + 3:46 p.m.
idiot boys in school....
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~*When you come around I'll make sure you understand that all I wanted to do with you was talk and be friends. You constantly brushed me aside and made me feel as if I was unworthy of your time. I want you to know that I remember this, and that I am worth more than you know.*~

Painting is fun. It's a stress reliever. It relaxes me and makes me feel a little bit better. It's messy, but who cares? It's fun to be messy on purpose sometimes. I got some of my paintings back from my Art I class. I love these painting and I am planning on hanging them up in my room sometime soon. They make me feel as if, for once, I am something special and that I can actually do something for once. Also, lately my table has been helping paint the set for the musical. That has been fun and relaxing, except for the fact that I laugh so hard during it. My table wants to evict me because I joke around and make fun of their art work. I really don't mean it at all. I am just joking.

Well, I failed at buying water at school this morning. Right now I am really thirsty and I want to drink the house out. I just finished one bottle and am going onto the next one. Maybe my body is telling me that I need to drink water, forget the other stuff, just drink water. I'm listening to it for once, I am drinking the water. Sometimes I feel as though I should not drink anything in order to punsish myself for being so stupid.

Next Monday of Spring Break I really hope to start my yoga routine. Maybe this time I will really start it... instead of being the slacker that I am and not doing it.

There was a car accident yesterday. Two boys from my school were involved. The driver was going 120 mph on a wet road (because it had recently rained) and he flew over a ditch into the woods. He bit his tongue off and he left side of his face is crushed. The passenger had to get stitches on his face. I knew this guy a little bit, not very much (the passenger rides my bus) and I think it is stupid... idiotic... to drive 120 mph on a slick road. There was absolutely no reason to drive that fast. I really wonder about people sometimes and why they have to do things like that for.

I want to enwrap myself in a hole so that I won't have to see hear about this stuff anymore.

This next journal entry for my book:

~*~January 2, 2004

I really can’t stand looking at this journal. It upsets me greatly. To think that it is even in my possession is a terrible thought. I must live with it for a few more days I suppose. I want to show Sarah (the friend who gave me this thing) that I actually use it, and love it. I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings. I think it is about time that I leave this house. I wanted to stay home for a while to see if I could experience some happy times. As I look back on my decision I realize that there wasn’t much more happiness that I experienced. I stayed at home, got into arguments with my mom, suffered my dad’s silences and realized how much I hate my younger sister. I just learned that I am ready to leave this household, that there is nothing left here for me to offer. There is nothing here to make me change my mind about my life and where it is headed. By the end of next week I hope that I will be all packed up and ready to move. I am moving in with my boyfriend, Mike. I haven’t worked up the courage to tell my parents yet. I can already see their reactions. Mom will start screaming, Dad will shake his head and bury himself in the paper… I will stomp up to my room and bang on my drums. Ah, my drums. Just the thought of them makes me happy. Banging to the rhythm of the music I make. They are my companion; they drown out the noise around me, in me.

smokin' / hot