2003-03-13 + 5:22 p.m.
~* She rocks in her chair while waiting...*~
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~* She rocks in her chair while waiting for you to come on home to her. But you have yet to arrive and she has to wonder why you haven't entered through her door yet. She doesn't understand why you insist on treating your own mother like that. She raised you, made you feel good about yourself, yet now you insist upon treating her like she is nothing, when she is more than nothing. She is something special, I hope you understand that soon enough.*~

Sure, whatever I am going through is simply teenage angst. Or so I hope. I seriously doubt it though. (Oh, shut up Pessi) The more I review diaries, the more I realize how well some people write. They can write about their day, but they add how they feel and when they write I feel how they feel and that is awesome to me. I wish I could write like that, and I think I am going to work at writing like that...

I am not stupid...really I am not. I need to work on saying this to myself everyday.Maybe if I say it enough times I will actually believe it. I just don't know why I think I am so stupid. Maybe it is because the people I am surrounded by seem so much smarter than me. Not only intellectually but emotionally as well. They seem to have it together. Something that I can't seem to get. No matter how hard I try, I can't get my emotions together. They are on a rampage. They are all so different and they are everywhere. I want to make them stop sometimes, but it is so hard for me to do that.

It would be cool if I could write a book about a girl with emotions like mine. But I can't think of a good plot that would work with that. I do think I am ditching my novel idea that I am writing. I just don't like it. Well, it's a good novel idea, but just not what I want to write. I want to write a good mystery, something with a serial killer maybe. I want to start a series...yeah...so maybe I will work on that soon.

I'm not going to post my poems after each entry anymore. I don't think that it looks right on here. It clutters it up. So I am thinking about making a seperate page for my poetry, and just erasing it from the end of all of my other diary entries. Pessi says it won't work, Opti says things will look cleaner. Opti is winning right now.

I just realized how schizophrenic I sounded...scary...

--Maybe if the time is right I will tell myself that everything will be ok.

smokin' / hot