September 21, 2003 + 11:34 a.m.
hah... back... for the 15th time... hahaha...
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I want this pain to end. This neverending hurt that doesn't seem to go away. I only have four pills left. And in those four days will I feel any better than what I feel now? I hope for that. I really do. It's so much more harder in college. Not knowing anyone at all and it's so hard for me to make new friends. I try, but it's a struggle.

It's even harder to make friends when I feel this way. Because I feel so low about myself, I don't excude confidence and since I don't feel confident I just bottle myself up inside. That sucks. Honestly it does... but how do I make it stop? How do I make something that is so out of my hands stop?

I'm afraid I'm becoming addicted. Addicted to cutting. I'm really not sure though, and I'm hoping that I am not. Yesterday when I took a shower I cut myself, it wasn't as bad as before but I still did. Today though when I took my shower I didn't cut myself, so maybe I'm not getting addicted. But now it's always preying in my mind. It's in the back of my head to go and do it. When in reality I don't really want to do it.

I want to become someone else entirely. I don't want to be who I am right now. I want to be happy. I want to be normal. I want to be carefree. And I can only be that way sometimes. Not all the time.

*shrugs* It's a problem. Illness. Whatever.

I don't want it.

*walks away*

smokin' / hot