I am nobody.

No, I must be somebody.

I must have dreams, hopes, aspirations.

I breathe, I sleep, I eat, I drink.

I do all these things that human beings do.

*shakes head*

So why do I feel as if I am a nobody? As if the world is crashing down on me with every passing minute and hour.

I tell myself to do something, yet I can't. I can't move. I can't do it.

I've no will to do anything. No will to continue to write this. Can't do my homework. Or draw. Or write. All I can do is sit and stare and look blank. I am blank. For I feel like nothing. But I am something. I have to be something.

These words are just pouring out, my fingers are moving and I do not know what I am writing. I am not pausing. I am not thinking, I am just feeling. Feeling like there is nothing left of me to be someone.

I want to be someone. I really do. I want to be a NORMAL someone. Someone normal. No one is normal you say. There is no normal. No one is perfect. But I walk down the streets and that is what I see. Normal. What people conceieve to be normal. The pretty girls, the hot guys, who are happy. Who can let things slide.

Yes, that is what it comes down to. Letting things slide. I envy all of those people out there who don't have this illness. Who can be happy. Who can think happy thoughts when they are down. Who can handle their depression. Oh, I envy them like nothing else!!! I want to be like them.

And damn it- the fact that I only have four pills left is getting me down. Yeah, I have one refill left, but I am scared that in these four days they won't kick in. Then what will happen? They will either up the dosage or try something else. I don't want to be a guinea pig. I don't want to be stuffed with a variety of pills to see what works. I know I have a problem. I know I do. I know that there is just no way on this earth I can be happy. No way. I've tried everything that I possibly can to be happy and nothing works.

Praying doesn't work. Thinking happy thoughts doesn't work. Writing doesn't work. Reading doesn't work. Talking to friends doesn't work. Doing surveys doesn't work. Don't you see? Don't you get it? I CAN NOT BE HAPPY. And that sucks. That sucks majorly, because that is ALL I want in this world, is to be happy. And I can't be. Because of this stupid illness. Damn it to hell.

I sit here, and I don't even know what I just wrote. My fingers just keep moving, I hear the tapping of the keyboards and the music I am playing in the background and I look at myself. I wonder about me. Why I had to be one of the people who suffer so. Because I do suffer. I suffer every day that I live. I wake up in the morning and I want to cry. Because I woke up. For five years now I've had to struggle to survive. And I've made it, and when I am so close to feeling better I am breaking down. Cutting myself. Thinking worse thoughts.

It brings in mind to what my counselor said," It'll most likely get worse before it gets better." Dredging up memories after memories. I don't want to. I have closed out these thoughts a long time ago, I don't want to think about them anymore. But I have to. I have to regurgitate it up. And I would love to be able to do it without a moments thought. A moments passing. I want to be void of feelings. I don't want to remember the hurt, the pain....

And yet all those people who hurt me, I want them happy. And that's an odd thing to want isn't it? I want everyone happy. If I have to hurt myself in order to make them happy I would. If I have to... - and I just lost my thought there- if I have to do something that makes me feel uncomfortable I would. Yes, I would to make you and you and you and you happy. I want to see you happy.

Yes, I want to see all those WV people happy. Jacob- who said he wished I had gone through with killing myself. Mindy- who wrote me that heartwrenching email. Cody- who always called me a crybaby. Dustin- who said that no one would ever go out with me because of how fat I was. All those kids in elementary school who wanted to tell me I was fat, ugly, stupid. Yes, to all of them, I want them to be happy. Yes, I want to make Tara happy- even though she called my mom and said I called her a bitch. (when I hadn't). Yes I want to make Brandy happy- even though she was supposedly my best friend, but she ridiculed every day. Yes, Koalton should be happy, even though he made fun of me. So should Craig Powers, and a slew of other preppy kids. They should be happy. I should make them happy. Even though they called me names behind my back and pointed at me when I entered a room and started to laugh. Yes. That hurt. But they should be happy shouldn't they?

If I can't be happy then I want to make THEM happy.

Yes, I want to make all of those NC people happy. That girl in 10th grade who called me a lesbian. Billy- for breaking my heart by liking that other girl. Heather- for blatantly telling Nomi things right in frton of me. For that one boy who walked past me and called me ugly and fat. Kenden- who always had to bring up how quiet people are the ones to shoot up the schools. Melody- for that one time she didn't trust me.

Yeah, those people..... I want to make happy. They DESERVE to be happy. Don't they?

If I can't be happy, then maybe they can be happy.

I'm losing my mind. Losing my edge. I'm just typing with nothing on my mind...

And I hurt, because of what he said. Because I don't understand why I can't see things his way. Because I can't reach out and help him, and talk to him, and give him advice. Because he shut me out. And I can't see why I take things so heavily. Why I take things out of context. If I wasn't this way things would be better. They would be different.

Will things change in four days? In such a short time will I begin to improve? I don't know. I can't see that happening, but I hope that it does.... I hope that things change...

I gotta stop. I've written too much. I'm exposing myself. These things can't happen.

smokin' / hot