Why didn't my mom have an abortion? Why didn't she have a miscarriage? Why didn't I die at a young age?

These questions are burning through my mind right now. When the weed wears off and the night is still going, I sit here and wonder this shit. I'm listening to this one christian song that just... I don't know. Strikes me.

I realize how badly I've wanted to get back to God. But it's like I have no means, no beliefs, no faith in Him to do it anymore. I'm gonna talk with someone about this. I need help.

Right now I am trying to figure out what my purpose in life is. Why I am allowed to live. Because ultimately I don't want to live, but I am living.

How many lives have I touched? How much good advice have I given? Who have I helped? Have I cared for people as well as I could have? AM I caring for people as well as I can? I don't know that answer. I really don't.

Shit. I can't write anymore.

smokin' / hot