October 15, 2003 + 9:49 a.m.
slipping away from my friends
<< + >>

I'm trying to pick myself back up. Trying my hardest. Trying to pretend last night wasn't hard. Trying to pretend that I didn't make a fool of myself with JC. Trying to believe he's not upset.

I'm trying to believe I'm not stupid. That I am worth it. I'm trying to believe that I'll be ok. But as I'm trying all this stuff, deep inside I believe differently.

Damn I'm about to cry, because I keep on rereading something, and it's like- how could I have not known? You know? How could I be so blind to someone elses pain? It just makes me feel selfish. I feel helpless- because what can I do to help this person out? (and yes, can you guess who it is- baby it's you JC). I'd doubt he'd let me in, and damn it I wish he would, because- I want to help my friends.

I want to quit thinking about me. I'm tired of trying to get help for myself. It drains my emotionally. It drains me so bad. I want to help my friends and think nothing of me, but how can I help my friends if I can't even help myself?

I'm so blind don't you see? I'm so out of the loop. I can't tell you how Nomi, JC, or Becky is feeling at the moment. I can't tell you what they are doing. I can't tell you what classes they are in. I can't even remember what classes I AM IN. I can't tell you what any good friend should be able to tell you. I can't remember anything about them. I can't at all. And it makes me feel so bad that I can't. I feel like I'm not a good friend anymore or something. Because damn it I'm not asking about them enough, I'm not remembering anything about them, and I try, I try so hard and it feels like I'm slipping away.

See, maybe it isn't them slipping from me, but me slipping from them. Trying to distance myself from them. Oh, how I'm trying my hardest NOT to go to them, NOT to break down in front of them, because I hate doing it. I hate bringing them down, and when I talk of myself and express myself, I don't hear anything about them. I don't hear how they feel or what is going on in their life. I'm slacking on emailing them, on letting them know I'm here and I love them.

Why do I have to do it, don't you all see? I don't mean to!!! I really don't! Shit, I'm slipping away from all of you, and it's making me worse. The more I tell myself, "Don't email them. Don't tell them how much you hurt. Don't let them know your pain." The more it causes me to sink... sink so low and so fast. And I need to get back in that loop, I need to quit thinking and talking about me and find out about them. Because I DO NOT WANT to be labeled a BAD friend.

I have NEVER wanted to be labeled that. I refuse to be. I want to be there for them. I want to know what's going on in their life and my depression is hindering that and it upsets me. I DON'T WANT to be selfish, I DON'T WANT to continually talk about myself and how I hurt with my friends. I HAVE to act happy. I HAVE to act ok. I HAVE to for the sake of me. For the sake of my friends, because I can NOT afford to lose the three who I love so dearly. I CAN NOT afford to slip away from them. I CAN'T. Don't you see that?

But do you see the conflict I'm in? On one hand I want to talk with them so badly. I want to tell them how much I hurt, I want to make sure they know how I feel, they know how I'm struggling, and that they know how I'm trying to get help.

But on the other hand I don't want them to know. I don't want them to hurt to see me hurt. I want to just act fine around them all the time and ask about THEM and focus on THEM instead of ME because that- to me- is what a friend is... someone who constantly makes sure their friends are happy. Someone who bears their problems and helps those who surround them. Someone who knows what is going on with them and cares about them. No- that's what I FEEL I should do as I friend and that's what I want to do.

They've told me though- they've told me that they are here for me and that they are here to listen to me. But... to me if I talk to much, that takes away from THEM.

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. I need to talk with them face to face. I desperately need to see them. To hug them, to talk with them. And I can't. I'm trying to, I've got to get with them, but...

I'm so lost, so confused, but I've got to perk up, I've got to hold myself up. I've got to get a job, go to class, do homework. I got to pick myself up, get myself the meds, I gotta do it for ME. I gotta do it... but I need my three. I need my strength, because they... they are real. They are there. Damn I'm so confused.... and hurt. (continuation of this on next entry)

smokin' / hot