October 16, 2003 + 3:14 p.m.
love. who invented that crap?
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"Open mind for a different view, and nothing else matters."- Nothing Else Matters by Metallica

Listening to this song makes me want to cry. Haha, now that's a weird thought isn't it? A Metallica song making someone cry. Seriously. I don't know why but it reminds me of how much I have always yearned to be loved.

See having felt like I was never loved as I was young, and as I grew older. Tainted me badly. To the point where it's VERY hard for me to believe people love me now. Which is damn ironic if you ask me. Me seeking for love- finally getting it- and denying I have it.

It's not fair to them- oh here's another song that makes me wanna cry. Outside by Staind.

Anyways, it's not fair to the people who love me, and it's not fair to me. I've finally- slowly- and almost completely believe that my friends love me (and once I get this last thing straightened out I will be set when it comes to my friends). But there are still people in my life who I still wonder whether or not they love me.

It hurts to constantly doubt, and constantly want- love. Sometimes I just seriously wish that love was never invented. That I never wanted it. It would make my life a lot easier in the long run. Or I would like to think that it would.

I noticed that I am running constantly to both my diary and blurty as of these past couple of days.It's kind of like a therapy. I need to write down my feelings I guess. And act happy (as that is what my blurty is for). I guess. I don't even know anymore.

smokin' / hot