October 16, 2003 + 2:36 p.m.
why am I being punished? (a plea to God)
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Can You tell me what crime I have committed? Can You tell me what harm I have done? Can You tell me please, God, can You please just tell me why You are punishing me so?

All I have ever done was care for people. Was have an open mind and an open heart. All I have ever done was yearned to be loved and accepted by people. God, don't You see? All I have ever done was try to be the best person that I could be. Inside and out.

And it's like You're punishing me. For doing these things. For caring, for loving, for asking for only love in return. I went to You. With just as open of a heart, despite all of the names I was being called, despite all of the hurt I was experiening- I still went to You. I was naive. I was young. I believed in you.

As I struggled with my depression I prayed to You constantly, I had faith in You. I have been told so many times that all you need to do is have faith in God, pray, and be patient. I was all of those. And I still live in pain. I still live in constant hurt.

As much as I want to get back with You. As much as I want to make You a part of my life again, it's hard to. The more I slip, the worse I feel, the more I hurt myself, the more I seperate myself from You. The more I seperate myself the more I don't want to have anything to do with You anymore. And I should want to have everything to do with You.

God, I'm just wondering. What have I done? What have I ever done to deserve this cruel punishment? This punishment that I would never will on anyone else.... I'm so lost. I'm so hurt and confused and I don't see why I'm suffering in Your hands. I honestly don't see it. Just please... tell me why....

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