October 18, 2003 + 12:09 p.m.
Talk to the failure why don't ya
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I feel like a failure. I really do. I'm weakening, I'm hurtin', I'm a fragile child who will break the minute someone says some hurtful words to me.

I hate being this way. I hate feeling like a failure. Every time I cut and I look at what I did- I get this sick feeling in me- this feeling that I coulda avoided this or I coulda done something else.

But I know that it's not gonna stop any time soon. I can't make it stop ya know?

I feel like a failure for- ok, I can't say that, I can't believe that anymore. I feel like a failure for not being faithful to God. I feel like a failure for not doing my school work. See, I don't want to disappoint my family at all.

I don't want to disappoint me. I put myself up on a pedestal that is so high that I can barely reach it. I pressure myself to be the bestest friend I can be, to get the best grades I can, to do everything as good as I can and when I don't do it good, I punish myself for that. In a variety of ways.

I feel like a failure right now. Sitting here, just feeling bad for cutting, for not doing my school work, for being depressed.

I feel like a failure for being depressed and for bringing this onto my family.... I hate this feeling.

smokin' / hot